My memory is so distorted now... I just keep lying to myself... I can't even tell the difference between the truth and the lies. The only thing I don't believe is that things are getting better.
I am so tired of my nice guy routine making me so timid, scared and self-conscious. I should be able to do more things for the hell of it, but even that I am too much of a bitch to achieve. I hate the trap I laid for myself. Keep ending back in the same place hating myself more every second. Don't know why I even put up with myself. If I grew a backbone and just did things instead of thinking of the smallest detail gaining some sort of confidence. I have to see a grander picture in life but I feel so close minded at times with all the closed minded people around me. Something I have thought, I wish I was stupid so I would be able to do more things with out being conscious or inhibited by it all. If I didn't care as much for small things and focused on action maybe I can change. I go through heaven and hell to do so many things people don't care or even notice. Respect, ha in this fucking world people need to be loud. Yes I'm looking for credit for selfless deeds now. HA. Speaking my mind never works, I must act in order to get anything through to people. I write this as if it's really going to change. A bitch to the very end. Fuck considering others who don't even care. Fuck that shit. No matter what I think it doesn't matter, what I say means nothing, in the end others can brush it off by their whim and I will be the fool.
I hate... everything in my life... YES I can say it... It won't affect anything other than gaining pity that I don't want. I notice I bitch a lot, crave attention by writing but I don't give anymore even if nobody or a handful of people reads this I just want to write. Write my fucking problems away ha right. I don't give a dime haha nickel or even a fucking penny. It feels like I hate more than ever in my life. It's all the build up rage from childhood and teenage angst that wants to be released. I hate myself mainly, family, friends, random people, the fucking whole world. Yes I am a hater! I hate because I don't have same happiness others share. It seems inconsiderate to those in this world that have it worse than me. They worry about living to the next day or finding food... See once again I bring up others, why should I give a shit? Me, Me, ME even when others suffer... Everything I see is a slap in my face telling me I have nothing. I put myself through this crap daily making me look for an escape that is not there. I put myself out just to be hurt. I wish I was a child again with no worries in the world. Life is a big bitch slap that beats you down till you can't see, hear, touch, feel anything except pain.
There always has been one thing I wanted but never worked out in my life. I wish I could just grab hold off it... I don't think I ever will with my fears. It makes me hurt so much everyday that passes. I have one major regret in my life that I want to change to never doing. Maybe I would be a lot better in life. I have so much resentment in towards myself for being so stupid. Well now it's going to hurt for the rest of my life. The very act itself is irrational.
Maybe if I choke myself with enough lies and half-truths I can forget or even not care. I think of that one mistake every spare second I have? meaning every fucking moment... YES my mind in fucked up every bit a part of it. A life full of maybes, what ifs, and should haves. I am worn and beaten.
This is just a part of what goes on. I hold back and I hurt myself. I want to be free to be able to unburden myself. I have found myself and it is a small but strong demon digging deep. Everlasting and taunting me.... my paradox.
Fuck Xanga
http://myspace.com/thunderboltscout
or find me on http://facebook.com/
I don't even post any more on whole but it's more likely i'll do it on those two
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